“The Real Housewives of Miami” Season 4 Episode 1 Recap


You might be old enough to remember it (for the Boniva share price, I hope you are), but the TV stations had a Friday night special every year to show the kids all the highlights from the upcoming Saturday morning cartoon season. I especially remember the live action from Punky Brewster and his company featuring the Punky cartoon and the rest of NBC’s Saturday morning lineup. This is exactly what this episode looks like. It’s like it says, here’s that new thing, here’s that other new thing, here’s that next new thing, and very soon you are going to be able to see them all and see them all together and you are really going to love all these new things that we have to offer.

Yes, the return of RHOM after an eight-year hiatus, it’s less of an episode of Housewives as we know it and more of an extended “Meet the Cast” page on the website. The very beginning of the episode is very strange. There’s no plinkety intro music, no shot of every woman and then band holding what they want in Miami. (A chasm? A Don Johnson?) More remarkably, there are no slogans, at least not yet. The show is more like Peacock’s other recent flirtation in Andy Cohen’s diaspora, Real housewives UGT. There is loud music, neon colors and something a little fresh and new like to say, “This is not your grandma’s cable subscription although you are probably logged in with it for. watch this for free, then maybe it is. “

The opening scene brings together all the OGs in the series for lunch. “Hey bitches, I never thought you would see me again,” says Marysol Patton. She’s right. I didn’t expect to see it again because it was the most boring part of the original program. Now that her mother Elsa has passed away (rest in peace), she has lost the only interesting thing about her. She shows up for lunch with Alexia Echevarria, the eponymous Cuban Barbie. They are both dressed in red and don’t really look like they’ve had a day. Next to them is Lisa Hochstein, the plastic surgeon’s wife, in a mint green lace jumpsuit that I would like to wear for my drag debut if only I could fit those 200 pounds of spackling sausage in that bag of two ounces.

Adriana de Moura walks in and she’s barely recognizable since we last saw her quarreling with Lea Black in 2013. Maybe that’s because her hair is lighter now, but there’s no doubt that her voice, which sounds like vultures descending on a horde of zombies in a bouncy house. There’s an empty chair, and it’s filled by Larsa Pippen, who was only on the show’s first season before being fired. While Adriana looks slightly different, Larsa has a whole new body. She has a new face, bigger breasts, a big ass, and a sort of quiet confidence that she lacked during the Obama administration. It’s like her consciousness has been uploaded to a Kardashian. Adriana has also noticed this and lets us know that Larsa is basically a Kim Kardashian lookalike.

The ladies tell us that they are all still friends and have always kept in touch, but it looks like you keep in touch with your best friend at work from three jobs ago. You maybe have lunch once a year and every now and then like her photos on Instagram and that’s it. It’s not like they’re all involved in each other’s affairs. Larsa moved to LA, did an episode of Sunset sale, and never looked back until she saw another reality TV opportunity on the horizon. And are we supposed to think that she and Alexia are doing more than just trading Christmas cards?

Throughout the episode we get updates from everyone. Adriana is divorced from the man we saw her marry in season three. Marysol is married to a guy named Steve, who tells you everything you need to know about him. They are only “friends of” so we don’t go into too much detail. Lisa is still married to Lenny even though he thought about divorcing and had an “emotional affair”, meaning a knife that she keeps twisting in her stain every night when he sees it. sleeps. She now has two children after years of struggling with infertility (she does not mention her surrogate mother). She also has a huge house on Star Island where she and Lenny always have raves and get complaints from neighbors and all of that makes me very sleepy.

Alexia’s husband Herman has passed away, she closed the magazine they ran and now runs a beauty salon with her youngest son Frankie. She is engaged to a very handsome “gringo” who has two teenage daughters. His name is Todd, which is the Spanish word for white. They live in a 10,000 square foot apartment in the sky with a car lift, and you may just see this whole place being confiscated by the Feds one day. At the end of the episode, we discover that her late husband Herman may have been gay, or at least bi. Apparently he had a lover when he died, whom Alexia’s gay best friend Johnnie met, and she reaches out to talk to this man. During the scene, she seems less interested in talking to this guy than having a script, but that’s why she’s in this business.

Among the originals, the most interesting, of course, is Larsa. After leaving the show, she amassed over 2.5 million Instagram followers as Kim Kardashian’s best friend and frequent sidekick on the show until everyone in the family mysteriously follows her. on social media platforms. I still never watched an entire episode of KUWTK, so i’m a bit at sea here, but The sun has a good explanation at the end of this article. Apparently some think she was sleeping with one of the guys from the Kardashians, and that’s why she got the ax. She may also have broken up the marriage of an NBA player. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. This game is basketball. Hate it because it sucks.

Larsa doesn’t seem interested in being here and is barely defending that she is now making her money as an OnlyFans model. She says she doesn’t post her Larsas or Pippens on the paid social media site, but she does talk about how she sells foot pictures. I mean, there are only 59 posts and it’s free. How does she earn $ 10,000 a day? Plus, I’ve been here to give away my dirty feet pics and much worse on Grindr for free. Maybe I should just put all of those recaps behind an OnlyFans paywall, and you just get my bonus booty pics.

Alexia is most upset with her new business practices and continues to say that she thinks Larsa is dirty. I do not know. It’s very shame-y and sex-negative bitch for my taste. The only sex negatives I want to see are from Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson’s sex tape, okay? (SNAPS!) Alexia talks about it again when the women go to Larsa’s party. Newbie Dr Nicole points out that people post recipes and other stuff on OnlyFans. Sonja Morgan even has an OnlyFans, and it’s a bottom that always ends up on top. It can’t be that bad. But come on! Do you know anyone who uses the site for recipes? (ps if you need OF gay porn recommendations my DMs are open.) Alexia yells, “But how do you make your money?” Yes, Alexia, it’s sexual. We do not care? Move on. Again, from Alexia’s part, this sounds like a hollow argument that is just a way for her to get more screen time.

What would really piss me off is this party Larsa is throwing. It’s a Hot Girl Summer themed party, and that’s just the cast and a handful of friends from Larsa, and by friends I mean the assistants and maybe someone who won a contest. of fans on Instagram. All this staff and no one could tell her that the fishnet bodysuit she is wearing had already been rocked by Phaedra Parks on the The Real Housewives of Atlanta like ten years ago?

The party is clearly sponsored by PrettyLittleThing, and Larsa gives all the women matching tracksuits and has them take a photo in it. She says she just likes to wear matching clothes because it reminds her of a sleepover. Um no. This is contractually stipulated in her branding agreement, and I applaud Alexia for saying, “I don’t wear your sweatshirt when it’s 90 degrees outside; you’re dumb. “I mean, the bartender and lifeguard are super hot, but no amount of man meat could make me turn into a walking billboard. Ha. JK. I would even do it for a piece of a man, I would do it for a crumb of a man.

The party is a good opportunity to meet the rest of the cast. I have no right to say that Julia Lemigova is my new favorite housewife, but she is the last Miss USSR and married to Martina Navratilova and lives on a farm and is classy and cool and pretty and I love her. Guerdy Abraira is a party planner who married her high school sweetheart, a sexy firefighter, so she’s definitely on the radar as well. Dr Nicole Martin is not only pretty and a doctor, but she is also married to a very handsome lawyer and lives in a 40 million dollar house. The funny thing is, she’s not a plastic surgeon or a dermatologist or one of those exciting doctors you usually see on Housewives. She’s an anesthesiologist, which is a boring doctor, but those boring doctors always pay off.

It’s everyone. We all know each other. Thank goodness, because other than catching up on everyone’s lives, the episode offered no clue as to where this season might go. We don’t know who loves whom, who hates whom, who quarrels with whom, or even where this drama will take us. Either way, it’s nice to be back in Miami, where the only thing hotter than pool parties are everyone’s husbands.


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